My turning point

In January 2015 I had a big turning point. 1,5 year prior to this I had finished my Bachelor`s degree in Special education, and I quickly got a good job in this field. Sadly though, it only lasted for 6 months because of cutbacks in the company. After being almost 1 year unemployed, I got an internship at a school as a special educator. I really thought that this was my dream job, but this quickly turned.

Only one week in I started to feel very anxious while at work,even though everyone I worked with was wonderful. I started taking breaks alone on the toilet just to get some time alone to breath. Every day on the way to and from work I cried because I felt so overpowered, tired and afraid, and I didn't understand why. After only 2 weeks I had to pull back from the internship, and I went to the doctor to get a sick leave.

The 6 months was tough, I was extremely fatigued, dizzy and worst of all had general anxiety and panic attacks every day.  I was afraid of being alone and everything I did gave me all the anxiety symptoms you can think of.

So here I was, afraid of even going to the bathroom by myself. But one day for some reason I do not understand I went to the website of a healer I had heard about, and even weirder, I ordered a session with him. In all my anxiety it suddenly felt so logical and safe to go there even though a trip to the mailbox was a challenge for me at that point. I went and it was really great, and for the first time in 6 months I felt a sense of calmness. In the car on my way home I remember I could feel my thigh muscles relaxing, and it was like I sat ON the seat and not above it like before.

The next week I started at a Reiki healing course with the healer I mentioned above. It was amazing because I have always been a sensitive and spiritual person, but I think I have always repressed it and not owed it in a way. It felt like I at once remembered everything I didn't know I knew, if that makes sense. I started feeling other people's physical and psychological pain and knowing things there is no way I could had known.

I really think that I could no longer continue with doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I was supposed to get a good education, then a good job and in the end a well paid job. Everything I thought I knew had to get stripped of me to finally start to see who I truly am.

At the same time I feel that it is important of me to point out that everything didn't get perfect as by magic. I still struggle with anxiety and I'm still on my way to recovery, and that is something I want to be honest about because I think it is really important to throw away our masks and talk about our struggles.