How I crawled out of my black hole

I wanted to write about how I crawled out of the deep, black hole I felt I was in for a long time, because this is something that effect many of us. Many of my clients have this particular problem, and believe me, I have been there. You feel stuck, tired, afraid, and like there is nothing you can do to get to a better place in your life. It is the closest we can get to hell, being in a bad situations with no possibility to escape. 

I have been there many times, it comes and goes in shorter and longer periods. Sometimes darker than others. My absolute worst experience with this was in 2007. I lived in a small apartment alone, and for the first time the walls really came crushing down. At this time I don't think I really knew what was going on. I was depressed and so anxious all the time. Most of the time I was in my tiny apartment alone, in my bed or on my couch. I always had the curtains closed because I was so afraid that anyone would see me. If I had to go out for some reason, I ran to my car and I did everything as fast as I could, and than I ran back inside and made sure to really shut the door behind me. I don't even know what I was so afraid of. I had no energy to do anything, no dishes and not cleaning, nothing. I generally felt like a fat, ugly loser with no chance in succeeding in anything in life, apart from being right there under my blanket. I used to force myself to go to sleep early so that the night wouldn't be that long. It was a living hell.

This cycle went on for many years. In periods I was ok, and in others I was really not ok. And like many of us, I didn't tell a single soul how I really felt like. As I have written in another blog, the last time this happened was january 2015, and it hit me like a brickwall.

The breakthrough though, was that I suddenly saw all my problem differently, I started developing my intuition after going to a healer, and I started to view myself, my issues and the world in a completely different way. I started to see that many of my problems was because of my sensitivity, most of my “stuff” wasn't even mine! I startet to treat my feelings and thoughts with unconditional love. And of course this is  an ongoing process that in no way happens over night. I started to really see that I was the one in charge of my life! I have to come to myself with care and love, and not by being hateful and harsh like I always have been. I have to take care of myself as a highly sensitive person and an empath. I also find that it really helps to be open and authentic about my problems.

I know you might not believe me, and I know you might think that I was in a different experience than you, and that what you struggle with is something no one can come out of. I lovingly and respectfully disagree! YOU are the architect of your life experience. You just have to find the right tools that suites you. There is no mystery or “bad luck” to your situation. There is one or many reasons to why you today feel the way you do, it's just a matter of pinpointing it and healing your wounds. I will not lie, it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but in the end I promise you, you will never look back once your eyes are open!

Emotional neglect.

In my experience and opinion emotional neglect is a big undermentioned problem in our society. Emotional neglect is often subtle in nature, which makes it so the recipient almost doesn't think that it is as harmful as it really is, and maybe don't even notice it. It could be the times you felt not seen or when your emotions wasn't mirrored, heard or you did not feel important to you parents or others around you. Emotional pain leaves no scars. Your teachers can't see your bruises and figure it out. That being said, as a special educator I know there are many ways to observe a child and see signs of emotional neglect, but in my experience, this is sadly not as high up in the teacher's agenda as it should be! And another important issue is that if you don't recognize that the way someone is treating you is wrong, how can you ask for help?

What makes emotional neglect so hard to heal is that we talk about the things that never

happened to you! When we talk about physical neglect we often think about a parent hitting their child, or even sexual abuse. witch I in no shape or form is taking lightly or is saying isn't bad! The fact is thou, by enduring emotional neglect you may not even know that it happened to you and there is no hard evidence, because your parents may have been so nice! They may have given you everything you needed and wanted, and you think of them as really good parents. Later on in life you maybe struggle with anxiety or depression, but you feel like there is no reason why, or no reason good enough for you to struggle like you do! You had this perfect childhood and you feel like you have no reason to feel upset or anxious, maybe you're just ungrateful and a bad person?

My point is not that your parents was evil or had bad intentions that you never knew about, but that your parents also had parents that didn't care for their emotions, and their parents before them. Your parents may have meant well when they yelled at you for being angrily or when you told them that your didn't like something. But what it really did was do so you question yourself and your emotions, and when your emotions gets you into trouble, you shut them down to survive in your environment. It's a perfect strategy, at least for a very short while until we shut down and suddenly can't function and can't trust yourself anymore. It is so much easier to heal problems you know about or have evidence of, and most of the time emotional neglect don't fall into that category.

Let's take one example. Let's say you hated school and asked not to go one day, maybe someone was mean to you or something made you feel not safe, and your parents said “we have to do things we don't like to do”, so you went anyway. And you wonder why you today is in a shitty situation and you can't do anything because you have to “hold on”? Or your parents told you to stop crying and being upset one or many times because you had, in their opinion, nothing to cry about. In fact, they may even say that you destroyed the day for them with your attitude.Thay shamed you for feeling that way. And now as an adult you can't seem to figure out what's your purpose in life is . Witch in my opinion is not weird at all, because what you really learned from them, is that your emotions are wrong, and you shouldn't be feeling that way. How can you know if any emotion you have is correct? So you suck it up and continue living the life that makes you go down a spiral of anxiety and self-destructive

If this is you, you have to look in the seem of your childhood on the things that never happened, but should have happened. You should have had parents who mirrored and validated your emotions, and saw you for being you and not an extension of himself. When you didn't want to go to school they should have asked you way and let you know that they understood how you felt and in that way you could figure out something together. Every time something made you upset, angry or happy they should be there validating you, and make you feel safe in your emotions. It is perfectly normal to feel like you do if this was your childhood!

Emotional safety

Research has shown that about one of every third person have had a panic attack the last year in the whole world. That means that 1,3 billion people have had one single panic attack in the last twelve months. This means that issues connected to mental health is way more common than most people think. Though unsafety is not the problem for all of those people, but for many of us it all comes down to the felling of not feeling safe, in this blog post I will concentrate on emotional safety.

Many of us grow up in an environment where it is not safe to show emotion, it could be sadness, happiness or any other emotion. When we are children, we have to fit in, its life or death for us. How many of us havent heard our parents say " go to your room" just because you got angry or sad and your parents couldn`t, or wouldn't , deal with you. As long as you show these emotions, you cant be a part of us. The unfortunate result is that you repress these feelings. The problem is however, that these feelings never goes away.

When my anxiety was at its worst, I felt like I never got any peace, every second of every day felt unsafe. For some reason I started watching a video on youtube where a woman talked about how to create the feeling of safety where there currently is none. She talked about how you get stuck in this downward spiral of negative thoughts, and the importance of creating a feeling of relief. One method for creating this feeling of safety was to create a safety list. The reason of this being that when the wave of uncertainty and this feeling of being unsafe arises, all logic of this is gone with the wind, so by having this pre-made list you can turn to it and always find something that usually gives you the feeling of some kind of relief or safety in the situation your in.

The start of my list looked like this:
- Hiding under my blanket in the sofa.
- Taking a hot shower.
- Listen to music.
- Hold a shopping cart while shopping.
- Carrying my mobile and car keys in my hand while walking outside or shopping.

For me this was a revolutionary though. I can create my own safety where there before was none.

Before I thought about this like a weakness, but I suddenly understood that it is OK to create the feeling of safety for yourself! It is OK to hold your shopping cart tight while shopping if that does the necessary errands achievable. As long as you are conscious of why you do it.

For me this small shift in behaviour and consciousness has helped me to the place in the process where I am now, where I no longer have to have my car keys or shopping cart available to feel safe while shopping, at least most of the time.