Codependency

Children who have one or more caregivers who are alcoholics, narcissistic or otherwise not emotionally present for the child, so that the child does not feel seen, loved or that someone cares for them, will have difficulty developing a "me". This means that the child will not develop a sense of self. "Who am I?", "what do I like?", "do I have a value?", are my opinions and views valuable? Healthy boundaries and learning to trust others is a part of beginning to trust and establish your own limits in order to know when others steps over your limits. If you grew up with narcissistic parents you have probably never learned that you have your own boundaries. you can say no, you have the right to be angry, and you have value!

Common features for children who develop codependency is that they have parents with unclear communication. This means that the parents generally have a passive aggressive, sarcastic way of communicating. An example of this type of communication may be that the parent answers a question with questions. If you grew up in this kind of dysfunctional family dynamics, you learned early on that asking questions was wrong. You often felt confused about who you are, and if you matter for someone, because you did not learn from your parents that you are a private individual. You rarely or never felt seen as the whole person that you are.

When one grows up in such family dynamics, you may not know that you in an ideal world should have learned tools to develop yourself and your emotions. You ought to have had parents who handled that you were angry at them, and answered you that "I understand that you're mad at me!". Instead you had parents who gave you shame, guilt and asked you to shut up because you were angry. Your parents should have taught you that you have value, not because you got good grades or was beautiful, but because you came into the world as a worthy creature.

When you have developed codependency it will often, in the same way as it is with emotional neglect, be difficult to understand that there was actually neglect that you were exposed to. This is because nothing happened physically with you, giving physical marks on the body. And when you on top of that don't have a healthy relationship with your own emotions, you feel like you can't trust your perspective. This can lead to an even deeper confusion. If you have a feeling that this is you, there are some signs or symptoms in your life you can look for. Are you on a constant quest for love outside yourself? Do you have a greater need than those around you might have for others to validate you? Are you struggling with addiction, whether it is love, food, smoking or drugs in any form? Do you easily feel confused by the people around you, or feel shame over your emotions?

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