My anxiety journey - From panic to clarity

The second I woke up I felt it. The feeling of the walls crushing in on me. I`m dizzy, my heart is racing, and I can`t formulate a single thought. All I sense is the terrifying feeling of panic and anxiety. I`m closing my eyes, frantically looking for calming thoughts. I know I had some good techniques for this specific occasion, because I have used years practising it. But I can't seem to remember a single thing. It`s all panic,no reason, no logic.

Suddenly there is a helping thought coming through. BREATH! I reassure myself that the only reason why I`m dizzy is because I`m afraid, which causes my breathing to change, which then leads to the feeling of being dizzy and short-breathed. Since I didn't listen the first time, I try to say it once more with a more strict and reassuring voice.

I`m starting with the best technique I know, breathing in through my nose while I count to 4, and out through my mouth. While doing this I keep explaining to myself why I do this. Why it's through my nose and out my mouth, and why I count to 4. I work hard to think logical. I start to breath. In 1-2-3-4 and out 1-2-3-4, in 1-2-3-4 an out 1-2….it's not working. Why doesn't it work? Does this mean that something really is wrong with me this time? Oh my God, there IS something wrong with me! So it`s here i'm going to die..29 and dead from a heart attack. My head fills up with million dark thoughts. I can feel my energy spiraling down, and I suddenly can't remember me feeling anything other than the way I feel now. The thoughts are rushing, my clients will think I `m a fraud, I can't even teach myself how to breath, that's how a terrible coach I am. And i'm fat and ugly, I don't know why, but this for sure has something to do with this!

And then, suddenly a clear thought pierced through my panic. Panic is emotion, and logic don't work on emotion! Suddenly I remembered a deal I made with myself. No more repressing emotion! I have to feel ,and completely be there. So instead of fighting and trying to do all my logical techniques, I began to feel. I close my eyes and I felt into my energy and into my emotions. Without reasoning, and without trying to change my feelings. I just let the feelings come. I felt how my head was full of dark thoughts, and how my head felt full and tight. I felt how it was almost like my body was crushed, like I was lying in a tiny coffin. I completely let myself go and went inside to the scared inner child. And then as magic, my anxiety went away and my body was left with a heavy, calm feeling which made me fall asleep.

The best thing you can do is to turn your face toward the storm and let the storm run you over. This is easy to say, but If you have ever been where I was tonight, you know it is the hardest thing you will ever do!