My anxiety journey - From panic to clarity

The second I woke up I felt it. The feeling of the walls crushing in on me. I`m dizzy, my heart is racing, and I can`t formulate a single thought. All I sense is the terrifying feeling of panic and anxiety. I`m closing my eyes, frantically looking for calming thoughts. I know I had some good techniques for this specific occasion, because I have used years practising it. But I can't seem to remember a single thing. It`s all panic,no reason, no logic.

Suddenly there is a helping thought coming through. BREATH! I reassure myself that the only reason why I`m dizzy is because I`m afraid, which causes my breathing to change, which then leads to the feeling of being dizzy and short-breathed. Since I didn't listen the first time, I try to say it once more with a more strict and reassuring voice.

I`m starting with the best technique I know, breathing in through my nose while I count to 4, and out through my mouth. While doing this I keep explaining to myself why I do this. Why it's through my nose and out my mouth, and why I count to 4. I work hard to think logical. I start to breath. In 1-2-3-4 and out 1-2-3-4, in 1-2-3-4 an out 1-2….it's not working. Why doesn't it work? Does this mean that something really is wrong with me this time? Oh my God, there IS something wrong with me! So it`s here i'm going to die..29 and dead from a heart attack. My head fills up with million dark thoughts. I can feel my energy spiraling down, and I suddenly can't remember me feeling anything other than the way I feel now. The thoughts are rushing, my clients will think I `m a fraud, I can't even teach myself how to breath, that's how a terrible coach I am. And i'm fat and ugly, I don't know why, but this for sure has something to do with this!

And then, suddenly a clear thought pierced through my panic. Panic is emotion, and logic don't work on emotion! Suddenly I remembered a deal I made with myself. No more repressing emotion! I have to feel ,and completely be there. So instead of fighting and trying to do all my logical techniques, I began to feel. I close my eyes and I felt into my energy and into my emotions. Without reasoning, and without trying to change my feelings. I just let the feelings come. I felt how my head was full of dark thoughts, and how my head felt full and tight. I felt how it was almost like my body was crushed, like I was lying in a tiny coffin. I completely let myself go and went inside to the scared inner child. And then as magic, my anxiety went away and my body was left with a heavy, calm feeling which made me fall asleep.

The best thing you can do is to turn your face toward the storm and let the storm run you over. This is easy to say, but If you have ever been where I was tonight, you know it is the hardest thing you will ever do!

How I crawled out of my black hole

I wanted to write about how I crawled out of the deep, black hole I felt I was in for a long time, because this is something that effect many of us. Many of my clients have this particular problem, and believe me, I have been there. You feel stuck, tired, afraid, and like there is nothing you can do to get to a better place in your life. It is the closest we can get to hell, being in a bad situations with no possibility to escape. 

I have been there many times, it comes and goes in shorter and longer periods. Sometimes darker than others. My absolute worst experience with this was in 2007. I lived in a small apartment alone, and for the first time the walls really came crushing down. At this time I don't think I really knew what was going on. I was depressed and so anxious all the time. Most of the time I was in my tiny apartment alone, in my bed or on my couch. I always had the curtains closed because I was so afraid that anyone would see me. If I had to go out for some reason, I ran to my car and I did everything as fast as I could, and than I ran back inside and made sure to really shut the door behind me. I don't even know what I was so afraid of. I had no energy to do anything, no dishes and not cleaning, nothing. I generally felt like a fat, ugly loser with no chance in succeeding in anything in life, apart from being right there under my blanket. I used to force myself to go to sleep early so that the night wouldn't be that long. It was a living hell.

This cycle went on for many years. In periods I was ok, and in others I was really not ok. And like many of us, I didn't tell a single soul how I really felt like. As I have written in another blog, the last time this happened was january 2015, and it hit me like a brickwall.

The breakthrough though, was that I suddenly saw all my problem differently, I started developing my intuition after going to a healer, and I started to view myself, my issues and the world in a completely different way. I started to see that many of my problems was because of my sensitivity, most of my “stuff” wasn't even mine! I startet to treat my feelings and thoughts with unconditional love. And of course this is  an ongoing process that in no way happens over night. I started to really see that I was the one in charge of my life! I have to come to myself with care and love, and not by being hateful and harsh like I always have been. I have to take care of myself as a highly sensitive person and an empath. I also find that it really helps to be open and authentic about my problems.

I know you might not believe me, and I know you might think that I was in a different experience than you, and that what you struggle with is something no one can come out of. I lovingly and respectfully disagree! YOU are the architect of your life experience. You just have to find the right tools that suites you. There is no mystery or “bad luck” to your situation. There is one or many reasons to why you today feel the way you do, it's just a matter of pinpointing it and healing your wounds. I will not lie, it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but in the end I promise you, you will never look back once your eyes are open!

My turning point

In January 2015 I had a big turning point. 1,5 year prior to this I had finished my Bachelor`s degree in Special education, and I quickly got a good job in this field. Sadly though, it only lasted for 6 months because of cutbacks in the company. After being almost 1 year unemployed, I got an internship at a school as a special educator. I really thought that this was my dream job, but this quickly turned.

Only one week in I started to feel very anxious while at work,even though everyone I worked with was wonderful. I started taking breaks alone on the toilet just to get some time alone to breath. Every day on the way to and from work I cried because I felt so overpowered, tired and afraid, and I didn't understand why. After only 2 weeks I had to pull back from the internship, and I went to the doctor to get a sick leave.

The 6 months was tough, I was extremely fatigued, dizzy and worst of all had general anxiety and panic attacks every day.  I was afraid of being alone and everything I did gave me all the anxiety symptoms you can think of.

So here I was, afraid of even going to the bathroom by myself. But one day for some reason I do not understand I went to the website of a healer I had heard about, and even weirder, I ordered a session with him. In all my anxiety it suddenly felt so logical and safe to go there even though a trip to the mailbox was a challenge for me at that point. I went and it was really great, and for the first time in 6 months I felt a sense of calmness. In the car on my way home I remember I could feel my thigh muscles relaxing, and it was like I sat ON the seat and not above it like before.

The next week I started at a Reiki healing course with the healer I mentioned above. It was amazing because I have always been a sensitive and spiritual person, but I think I have always repressed it and not owed it in a way. It felt like I at once remembered everything I didn't know I knew, if that makes sense. I started feeling other people's physical and psychological pain and knowing things there is no way I could had known.

I really think that I could no longer continue with doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I was supposed to get a good education, then a good job and in the end a well paid job. Everything I thought I knew had to get stripped of me to finally start to see who I truly am.

At the same time I feel that it is important of me to point out that everything didn't get perfect as by magic. I still struggle with anxiety and I'm still on my way to recovery, and that is something I want to be honest about because I think it is really important to throw away our masks and talk about our struggles.

Emotional safety

Research has shown that about one of every third person have had a panic attack the last year in the whole world. That means that 1,3 billion people have had one single panic attack in the last twelve months. This means that issues connected to mental health is way more common than most people think. Though unsafety is not the problem for all of those people, but for many of us it all comes down to the felling of not feeling safe, in this blog post I will concentrate on emotional safety.

Many of us grow up in an environment where it is not safe to show emotion, it could be sadness, happiness or any other emotion. When we are children, we have to fit in, its life or death for us. How many of us havent heard our parents say " go to your room" just because you got angry or sad and your parents couldn`t, or wouldn't , deal with you. As long as you show these emotions, you cant be a part of us. The unfortunate result is that you repress these feelings. The problem is however, that these feelings never goes away.

When my anxiety was at its worst, I felt like I never got any peace, every second of every day felt unsafe. For some reason I started watching a video on youtube where a woman talked about how to create the feeling of safety where there currently is none. She talked about how you get stuck in this downward spiral of negative thoughts, and the importance of creating a feeling of relief. One method for creating this feeling of safety was to create a safety list. The reason of this being that when the wave of uncertainty and this feeling of being unsafe arises, all logic of this is gone with the wind, so by having this pre-made list you can turn to it and always find something that usually gives you the feeling of some kind of relief or safety in the situation your in.

The start of my list looked like this:
- Hiding under my blanket in the sofa.
- Taking a hot shower.
- Listen to music.
- Hold a shopping cart while shopping.
- Carrying my mobile and car keys in my hand while walking outside or shopping.

For me this was a revolutionary though. I can create my own safety where there before was none.

Before I thought about this like a weakness, but I suddenly understood that it is OK to create the feeling of safety for yourself! It is OK to hold your shopping cart tight while shopping if that does the necessary errands achievable. As long as you are conscious of why you do it.

For me this small shift in behaviour and consciousness has helped me to the place in the process where I am now, where I no longer have to have my car keys or shopping cart available to feel safe while shopping, at least most of the time.